Did you ever have to let go of a dream? Find yourself on a path that was different than what you had hoped? I am in that place right now. I see pictures of waiting children every day, and they always tug on my heart. My heart grieves for any child that is need of a family. I have learned to pray for them, but a select few really capture my heart, and I always share those few with my hubby. Only very rarely do we both feel that similar tug, and most of the time when we feel an immediate "YES" in unison, we start the process and bring him or her home to join our family.
As I shared in previous posts, I fell in love with a little girl name Lucy. I knew it would be an uphill battle. She was born in China, and according to their requirements our family is too large and our income not enough. I kept pushing. I know there are waivers sometimes, and certainly God could do that. I tried to get a home study started, but our last agency doesn't do Hague studies, another agency couldn't figure out how to do the update when our previous home study wasn't for a Hague country. We found ourselves back at the wonderful agency that helped us bring home our boys from Hong Kong. They were willing to help us, but the problem was that they could only ask China for a pre-approval if they had Lucy's file, and they didn't. We could proceed with a home study for China, but it would be costly and time consuming, and ultimately we could end up not getting a waiver for ANY child. This seemed so risky. Perhaps her file would end up on the shared list (apparently all special needs children from China are now supposed to be a shared list, and not held exclusively by individual agencies)and then our agency could ask China if they would make exceptions. We had no choice but to wait, and pray, and dream.
I had heard a family was paper chasing for Lucy. I prayed they would officially be "locked in" so I could release her. Sometimes people have good intentions, their hearts are drawn to the plight of a waiting child, but the reality of completing the process doesn't come to fruition. I feared (and if I am truthful-hoped) that perhaps this family wouldn't follow through. Then Lucy would end up on the shared list in a miraculous way, that God would move mountains to bring her home to our family. I know that sounds so selfish. I allowed myself to fall in love with the "idea" of this precious child. I saw her as the suddenly missing piece of our family puzzle. Yesterday I was finally brave enough to email Lucy's agency and ask if she was now officially "locked in". She has been matched to a family, and they hope to have her home this summer. This is such wonderful news! I am praying for them, that their paperwork goes through super fast with no glitches, that Lucy's health remains good while she waits, and mostly I pray for a miracle for Lucy. I will be honest, I also pray a little for my broken heart. I know God has a plan, and it is always better than what we can imagine. Sometimes we have to get on board with that plan in a way that is a bit painful and hurts our hearts. So I am letting go, and I pray that I can fully surrender to wherever He is leading.
I know this is a hard place to be, a part of you wants to rejoice that she will get her family and the medical attention to needs and deserves, yet a part of you aches for the child you came to love. It hurts and feels good at all once. I think this is one of the hardest part of following the call to adopt, the ups and downs. God isn't done with you or your family yet. I pray you find peace over Lucy.
Oh Amy, I would have loved to watch Lucy become your daughter! I too love Lucy, but I never felt she was my daughter...although I would have loved her like one.
I'm grateful that Lucy is coming home!
I am praying that God will open doors for you to bring home another precious one. You have so much love to give. I think that desire is there for a reason! Don't lose hope!!!
Love and blessings,
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